Excerpts from The Advisory Service

From Episode 1: Hello, Caller (May 26, 1998)

Garrett 

You just heard Lost Dog by friends-of-the-station Sad Boy Picnic, drifting through the static like that old pal who never quite made it home. This is WSAK, the sound heard across Kalambash, 91.1 FM. I’m Garrett Schooper, and I’m Schooper glad you’re still out there listening. 

Before we slip back into the music of the Appalachian underground, I’ve got something I want to share with all you fine folks tuning in at two fourteen AM.  

If this isn’t your first time cruising along with me, you probably know that I’ve always got my ear pressed to the door of the weird - that gateway to the forgotten hollers here in the Blue Ridge. And this time, I’ve come across something big. It’s got government cover-up written all over it. 

Let me give you a timeline. A teaser, if you will. It’s April 11th, you’re listening to the radio, but your tunes can’t cut through static. Then you hear it, whispers in the broken signal.  

It’s May 10th. You’re hiking the far side of Crooked Mountain. Sadly, your excursion is cut short. The cops won’t tell you who the body is… or was. They ask if you’ve heard the rumors of the wild dogs prowling at the quarry on the other side of the mountain. Dogs. Right.  

It’s May 25th. The North Carolina Geological Survey detects seismic activity in Kalambash. 5.2 on the Richter scale. Extremely localized. Did you feel it? Of course you did. It was the highest magnitude since the Skyland quake of 1916.  

And that’s just what’s on the surface. There’s something else buried deep beneath these mountains. So if you’re listening close and your phone’s within reach, give me a call. Let me know if you’re ready for more. Our new number here at the station is 8-2-8, triple-five, W-S-A-K. That’s 828-555-9725. Don’t call the old number, no one’s there. 

From Episode 2: Single in Kalambash (May 22, 1998)

CRANE 

Shakers. Are you guys the only location left? 

KATY 

I think so. I know corporate went bottoms-up, but they lost track of us in like ‘93. A clerical error or somethin’. Now we just kinda do our own thing. Which is kinda the same thing we were doin’ before but now I choose my own uniform, the tea’s sweeter, and we serve breakfast. 

CRANE 

Thank goodness for sweeter tea. 

KATY 

Amen to that, sugar! Let me know if you need anything else!

[exits] 

CRANE 

[whispering]  

Well there ya go. The last remnant of a sad knockoff. And the tea’s too sweet.  

[normal tone] 

Where was I? Right. Kirk. 

She said she was originally from DC and just needed some time away from the city. Took a job as the fire watch at the old tower here on Crooked Mountain.  

I did take a look at some photos. That building can’t be up to code.  

I don’t suspect she was running from any issues we need to be concerned with, but I’ve got Elm running a background check just in case. I’ll add anything of value to my written report. Which will be late. The motel doesn’t have a fax, so I guess I’ll just have to hand deliver it. 

[sip] Ah. 

Now, Ms. Kirk has informed me that she made two calls to 911 on April 17 and three calls on May 7th. I’ve requested the files on all those calls, but it seems that the local blues don’t like outside interference. Go figure.  

Kirk gave me the gist, but it would be nice to see the official call reports AND the coroner’s report from May 10th. Kirk said the police only made their way out there once. I get that they don’t have the capacity to investigate every single call, especially when you’ve got some of these mountain folks crying bigfoot. But still, only one response to five calls? 

Now, it does seem like Ms. Kirk thinks she’s in an episode of The X-Files. If everyone out here believes some werething or mothman is responsible for all this, I’m putting in for a desk job immediately.  

Speaking of which, I really need you to back me on this one with you-know-who. I mean, with the wedding coming up and everything else with Lynne. [sigh] Just... you owe me. Okay? 

Alright. I’m gonna finish up here at Shakers and then make my way to the quarry. I’ll probably try and give you a call later this evening.  

Jane Lane! Is the character’s name from Daria. At least I got that figured out. Bye, I guess? 

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